I have trust issue

I have a trust issue.

It kinda affect me til this day.

I would doubt most of the time.

I doubt every new friendship. So any friendship that had endured for more than a decade is very precious to me. Because we have endured a lot.

I could not trust any pretty, hot girls

Especially the popular ones. I kinda think that they are fake. Well, that's my first impression, after being the bully victim. 

Some are even not so hot but would use me... especially with their homework.

You know you're a nerd if hot girls surround you only before the class starts... they are there to copy your work.

Now, these girls are (probably) living a happy life, while I am in a rut.

And PTSD.

Well, I could say life is unfair. People are nice to you only when they need your help. And I am a person who could not resist to help. Some are grateful though... they would still remember me, and thank me. Some just acted that nothing had happened.

Now, this poses a dilemma, should I do good and help others? It's a nice thing to do.

Well, just count the blessings. I might not receive the rewards now, but having people thanking you is rewarding enough. 

And be yourself. 

I've been tempted to be selfish this week, focusing more on myself. I need some 'me' time. I have scheduled a 'me' time last Valentines, but cancelled it to help a colleague preparing her presentation slides. I somehow feel that I am not appreciated, because I (through my observation after a year) think that when she had something cool to share, she'll share it with another colleague. I felt like a wall. I suddenly am visible when she needed help. Maybe it's just my assumption. Maybe it's because of the generation gap. I try not to dwell into it, but the negative thoughts would eventually surface again.

So now, I kinda only help anyone who really needs help or someone who are grateful. Well, I should be helping all, but again I am a mere mortal. I have my limits too...