One of the reason why we had resentment towards our old man is his anger displacement. Whenever he is disappointed at something, we're the scapegoat.
This always happen. Whenever our cousin made a mess, we are to be blamed. And some of our cousins are opportunists too. They knew that my father wouldn't scold them, they would make him angry purposely. Maybe just for fun, I don't know.
One time, my stupid cousin made a mess in his hut. I am busy, so I don't have the time to clean up. (Yup, it's always us cleaning up other people's mess but we are to be blamed.) Assuming that my father knows it's not my mess, I just leave his hut messy and would clean them up when I'm free. Still, I got scolded. And he is also verbally abusive. All those harsh words can't compete with Odin's wrath. It's enough to say it's painful to hear his angry words. All the bitches, stupids and uselesss. He's always not happy at us.
When he is cool enough, he'll admit his mistake but never apologize. And with his poor excuses. He just can't scold other people's children. So, is that a good reason to blame us? To discipline maybe, but it's not right. Our good works are sometimes rewarded by harsh language. No wonder I am a big mess.
One thing I don't like about him is he's is too generous to reward other people but not his children. He would reward somebody even for the smallest act of kindness. And people would not believe me if I say that he is abusive. Verbally abusive. Even my psychiatrist. Everything is my fault they would assume. He is good to others but can't even show love to his own children.
Maybe, subconsciously, I just did what I did just to retaliate. Or am I too idealistic. That what my psychiatrist told me.
Since I carry some of his gene, I begin to doubt myself. Am I a good father material?
No comments:
Post a Comment